Barbara J. Hamby

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Instructions on How to Write Instructions

If I weren’t so old and lazy, I’d start what I consider to be a badly needed service. That is, translation of instructions furnished with computer software into a format recognizable by those of us whose birth predated computers.

Last night I uninstalled the anti-virus software in my notebook computer because the subscription had expired and my ISP (that’s internet service provider) offers a free anti-virus program. After wading through the complicated instructions for removing the old program, I tackled the installation of the new one.

After three starts and three dead stops when the stubborn little installation wizard refused to budge another inch, I reread the instructions. Buried in obscurity was a tiny sentence that said, in effect: If your pop-up prevention program is in operation, you may have difficulty installing this program.

So I wound my way to the long list of “Settings.” Lo and behold, there was a setting for turning pop-ups on and off. I offed it and found my way back to the installation wizard’s side. He snapped to attention and completed his maneuvers. Finally, as recommended, I ran the anti-virus program to learn that my notebook was clear of any such pollution. Also, as recommended, I restarted my computer.  I changed the pop-up setting back and turned off the infernal machine before dragging myself into bed.

Now, if I were writing or rewriting instructions such as I attempted to follow last night, they might begin something like this:

Yo, dodo heads, listen up. You are about to read the most important sentence in these multitudinous paragraphs of instructions. IF YOU ARE RUNNING A POP-UP PREVENTION PROGRAM, THE INSTALLATION WIZARD WILL GO ON STRIKE AND YOU WILL BE DEAD IN THE WATER. Go turn off the pop-up prevention this instant!

I have no doubt that Dave Barry could handle these rewrites well now that he has more time.