Barbara J. Hamby

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Author Interview

Interview with author Barbara J. Hamby
By Marlene M Moore
Monday, August 08, 2005

We’e having a chat with Barbara J. Hamby, author of Find Romance in Later Life and My Muse Has Many Moods.

Author Interview:  Barbara J. Hamby-- Find Romance in Later Life is a book of true tales and tips from people over 50 who are actively seeking love, companionship and/or marriage. The stories are funny, enlightening, and sometimes a little sad, but hold a wealth of information for the over 50 dater. My Muse Has Many Moods is a book of poetry by Hamby who has won 1st prize in the Phoenix Poetry Contest of 1990, and 3rd prize in the Charlie Proctor Humor Contest of 1995. Her poetry has been published in the American Poetry Annuals of 1990 & 91, the Great American Poetry Anthology, Windows on the World, Vol. II, Women’s Work, Positive Creations, Senior Messenger and is a regular contributor to Writer’s Workshop Review.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: Why did you decide to write Find Romance in Later Life?

A: While searching for a partner, I discovered how much time it took me to find safe places to look. I didn’t find any comprehensive information easily available. I found scattered resources such as classified ads (mostly for younger people) and matchmaking websites (also mostly for younger people). When I started putting information together, I decided to put it in a book.

Q: How did you do research for this book?

A: First, I designed a survey questionnaire to distribute by regular mail and by email to as many older single folks as possible. I asked for help from friends. A number of them took surveys to their friends. I took the surveys to senior centers. The Oasis Program in Portland allowed me to give a talk about the book and distribute survey questionnaires.

Q: What problems did you have with your research?

A: Men are extremely reluctant to fill out survey forms. Most of the men who finally agreed to do so, were friends or acquaintances. A few men I met online through matchmaking services filled out survey questionnaires for me. Some men friends distributed surveys to their women friends, but did not complete one personally.When I was compiling the stories and advice for the book, I struggled to keep the contributors anonymous as I had promised to do. I hoped not to include information that might be recognized by their friends.

Q: Quite a few of your stories do not turn out successful for the senior daters. Did you find many success stories out there?

A: Yes, I found more success stories than the book indicates. Some of the people who are happily married and busy wouldn’t bother to fill out a questionnaire. At the senior centers I have visited, there is almost always at least one couple who met there and later married.

Q: What is your opinion of being single today?

A: From my research and my own experience, I think being single today is much easier than in the past, unless you don’t want to be single. Many seniors of both sexes live happily alone, enjoy their freedom, and socialize to whatever extent suits them. I lived alone for twelve years and was content to do so. After passing my 70th birthday, I began to want to have someone around most of the time. It makes me feel more safe. I enjoy the companionship and, in my case, also enjoy the right to “do my own thing.” My significant other and I have individual interests and mutual interests. We each voluntarily give up a bit of our autonomy, while maintaining as much as possible.

Q: What advice do you have for the single seniors of today looking for a relationship?

A: First of all, be careful. That doesn’t mean to avoid all risk. Getting out of bed every morning is a risk. Thoughtfully and carefully decide how much risk you are willing to accept, then go out and find whatever avenue interests you where you can meet people. My book is divided into chapters by the possible places to meet others.Senior centers, dancing clubs and clubs of all kinds will allow you to meet people with similar interests. Classes, especially those specifically designed for people in your own age group, are excellent places to meet and mix. The most scary and risky are newspaper classified ads and matchmaking services on line. Many people have had excellent results with these resources, but some have been badly hurt. In most cases, the best success is achieved by talking or corresponding for a while before meeting, then meeting in a public place. Never give your phone number or address to someone you haven’t met.

Q: You have a list of on-line dating services in your book. Do you recommend them highly? Why?

A: Those services that have a comprehensive profile on each subscriber are the ones I chose to use. Some services offer to screen people and direct you to the profile of anyone they think matches your interests and desires. A few of those I found to be totally “off the wall,” but some were very good. Online matchmaking changes quickly. Some services disappear and new ones pop up all the time, so I would hesitate to recommend any at present without joining a lot of them and checking them out.

When I was doing my research, there were some free services who offered good choices and some expensive ones that did not, so cost doesn’t seem to be a criterion.If you check Google or AOL Keyword for matchmaking services, a mind-boggling list appears. There are not only individual services, but other sites that list many individual matchmaking services. Clues to watch for when you visit a matchmaking site, are what information they include on the profiles, and how many people are using the site. Successful sites attract more people.

Q: I understand that you have a significant other in your life. What is your secret for finding the right mate and maintaining a successful relationship?

A: Ask me again in ten years. Seriously, I can tell you how I found the right companion. I spent about two years, while I was putting the book together, looking for a compatible companion. I had a lot of coffee dates, a couple of lunches, and many emails and conversations with prospects. One day I received an email from match.com, saying they had found the “perfect match” for me. Right, I thought.However, I read his profile and sent him an email. It was his first attempt to find a traveling companion, which was his major interest at that time. His email responses reflected his quirky sense of humor. That definitely attracted me. He told me that my direct answers to his many questions inspired him to continue getting acquainted.

As to how to maintain a successful relationship, I’ve been asked to write that book. I wouldn’t presume to give advice on that subject solely from my own experience, although we have been successful for two and a half years.

If I should decide to write such a book, I would do it the same way I did the first one, by accumulating data from many others. However, I foresee that it might be more difficult to find people to contribute their stories. Many successful late-life couples are on the road traveling, or living quietly at home, enjoying grandchildren and haven’t the time or inclination to respond.The most important knowledge when entering a late-life relationship, I think, is that neither party is going to change much. What you see is what you get. That said, both parties need to be willing to make some adjustments for a peaceful coexistence.

Q: You have a survey in the back of your book to be for your next book. Is this survey still needed or is the next book in progress now?

A: Actually, the survey in the back of the book is the one I used for Find Romance in Later Life. I included it for the information of those who might wonder what questions I had asked contributors.

Q: What have you learned from researching and writing this book?

A: Mostly that I may not have the energy or motivation to do another such book. I’m trying to talk myself into it. The responses I received on the survey questionnaires emphasized the great variety of behaviors and desires among senior citizens.

Q. What was your hardest challenge in writing this book?

A: Deciding what to include.

Q: What do you like about writing poetry?

A: Sometimes writing poetry is like channeling; it comes to the poet in a package. Other poems are more of a struggle. Either way, poems are shorter than books, so the feeling of completion is achieved more quickly. The real high is when, after reading a poem, a listener reports that they really related to my words.

Q: What do you like about writing?

A: Creating anything tangible has a certain satisfaction. Somewhere I read a quote from a writer that goes something like this. “Writing is Hell. Having written is Heaven.” When I picked up a copy of my poetry book in a library, I noticed a coffee ring on the cover. I thought at first I should offer to replace the book, but then I thought how appropriate it was that someone was reading my poems and enjoying a cup of coffee.

Q: Who published Find Romance in Later Life?

A: Find Romance in Later Life was published by Booklocker.com, a print-on-demand publisher. I chose such a publisher so that I might have more control over the cover and the content. I like the fact that my books are printed as ordered, so there is no wasted paper. There are some disadvantages as far as pricing and promotion are concerned, but overall, I’m very pleased with Booklocker.com.

Q: What is your age?

A: April 20, 2005 was my 76th birthday.

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