Barbara J. Hamby

Chapter One - Find Romance in Later Life

         If you attend church, or public meetings, or classes, start mingling and socializing with those you meet there. As hard as it may be to do, let people know that you are looking for a special friend or friends. New same-sex acquaintances can sometimes lead you to their friends or relatives of the opposite sex and may arrange blind dates, as well. Other options are singles’ clubs and dance clubs or, for the more bold, nightclubs, bars or personals ads (print or online).

         Even when it may seem that the search is hopeless, there are benefits for making the effort. Associating with any groups can bring into your life people of both sexes and new friends are important as we age and begin to lose old friends.

         A woman I know told me she met men in super markets, by commenting on their food choices, or suggesting how to select fruits or vegetables when she saw a hesitant male shopper. “Shaking a melon together can start a romance,” she claimed.

         Each venue mentioned above has it own possibilities and its separate set of risks.

         Bessie, in North Carolina, age 75, has dated a total of 26 years. She looked for a spouse from 1969 until 1995 when she remarried. That union has now dissolved because “He hates the South and I love it.” He lives in the North now. He could not adapt to a new environment.”

         Bessie would settle now for companionship. She likes to dance, hike, garden—enjoys active pursuits. “Need a younger man,” she notes.

         She has used “Singles—sponsored by a Unitarian newspaper, attended various seminars on financial advice, joined writing groups and seminars, also.”
         Through the Unitarian Singles she wrote to several men “for two or three years before meeting.” The man she married in 1995 was one of them.

         Bessie says she has “met many ‘would be’ partners.” One, who seemed very interested, met, dated and corresponded until she mentioned she didn’t like jazz. “The romance evaporated.” She says they continue writing and are good friends now. Her advice is to “Get out-do things-Take a course-seek seminars-volunteer if you don’t have to work.” She thinks financial seminars were most successful for her, “more men attend than women.” For ten years she dated a man she met at a seminar on wills, which she says was a “great relationship.” She emphasizes picking a partner who is content to live “where you are settled.”

         Ben, a 54-year-old resident of Washington State, took dancing lessons but didn’t find a partner there. Instead, he found a neighbor lady who suggested that they have coffee together. He says it has turned out to be a “great relationship.”

         Ben’s case may be unusual. My experience has been that neighbors don’t often get well acquainted because we all have such busy lives today. Even when we retire, most of us are as involved and on the go as when we were working.

         Selma, age 62, in Montana, has sought a special friend for five years. She seeks a person “healthy, active in outdoors, good dancer, not afraid to spend money on me, tall, willing to do almost anything, ski, travel, golf, boating, hiking.” She has gone to bars with dance bands, a singles’ club which has now disbanded and singles’ functions. She has dated four fellows, three she met at a bar and one elsewhere.
         She is in a three-year relationship with a man who asked her to dance at a bar. Selma doesn’t consider her present relationship satisfactory. In her opinion and that of others, she notes, “most older men are very possessive and I want my independence.”

         She observes that many men she’s met talked only about themselves, as if she had “no background or experiences.” The divorced talked about their exes. Most had too much baggage, as does the fellow she’s in a relationship with at present.

         She advises: “Be open; be selective; don’t get caught in a relationship because you might think there is no one out there.” She thinks her success is due to attending the dances, dressing fashionably with a neat hairdo and appearance. “Fortunately, I am tall, thin and blonde. She definitely would not again have sex or let a man move into her home before commitment.

         Abe, a writer friend in the Portland Metro area, age 77, has been married for fifty-five years but, nevertheless, chose to respond to my questionnaire. He found “a pal, a confidant, a lover, a fellow worker.” He “would do it again.” He believes “honesty (total)” is most important. He advises, “Be careful. It’s too bad but there are geriatric sociopaths out there.”

         Although Abe is not in the dating scene at present, he realizes he could be left alone at any time and is aware of present developments. Many people in long-term relationships lose track of the singles’ scene and are in total shock when thrust back out into that world.

       Angel, in Southwest Washington, age 60, began dating about five months after her husband of forty years left her for another woman. One month into the relationship, she is enjoying it very much, feeling “brazen,” because she assertively asked to kiss him goodnight on the first date and “took him to bed” after the third. She says she is enjoying every minute of her “new strength.”
        Angel’s advice is to “Speak your mind. Don’t be coy,” she adds. Obviously it is working for her.

         It is unlikely her tactics would work in all cases. Another woman I interviewed initiated intimacy with a reluctant partner who, after a year, dumped her without explanation.
         Furthermore, the risks involved in rushing into a sexual relationship with a virtual stranger are staggering.

         Most of us think we are such good judges of character by the time we have lived more than fifty years that we will know instinctively whether someone we meet can be trusted. The newspapers and television broadcasts are full of examples that prove us wrong. Recovery from emotional and/or physical damage after a liaison with a psychopath or sociopath can be long and difficult, or impossible, if murder is the result.

         Victoria, of Vancouver, Washington, age 78, has been widowed for four years after forty-eight years of marriage. She has not “really been looking, but is lonely for male companionship.” I suspect there are many women and men like her.

         A younger woman who neither wishes for nor needs a male companion presents another side of the coin. I wonder if she has many male counterparts.

         Candy, age 51, a heterosexual female in Southwest Washington, has a long list of attributes she would seek ” if I were looking. If God wants me with a man she’ll bring us together (but I have veto power).”

         Candy reports enjoying being “mate-free.” Her housemate is her cat, with which she’s had a seven-year relationship. She says, “I will never chase a man or even make the first move.”

         She bullets her advice to anyone who aspires to her lifestyle:

• “Listen to your intuition.”
• “Incorporate those traits you want your ideal mate to have into your own personality.”
• “Think about what you want the ideal mate to do for you, then do those things for yourself.”

       She recommends “actions toward various self improvements. (As I like and love myself more, I’m less needy and happier to be mate-free.)”

         Meg, age 71, in the Pacific Northwest, has tried several different venues for meeting men, with varying degrees of success.

         She seeks “the usual good qualities”, as well as, “at this age, good health.” At church she met, “a very nice man.” They had a good friendship but she thought his feelings for her were stronger than hers for him. He died of cancer about a year after they met.

         At about the same time, she met a man at a class who was four months younger and fell “deeply in love with him.” However, she said he didn’t feel the same and, “after one year, he broke my heart.”

  A few years ago, a man Meg met at an electronics repair shop asked for her phone number and met her for lunch. Eleven years younger, he said age didn’t matter and called her daily, calling her “Hon,” etc. He was divorcing his wife, but living with Meg “for financial reasons.” She believed he was just latching on to her for support, so didn’t see him again and cut off the calls.

         Nine years after her last divorce, her ex-husband told her he’d met a well-qualified man on the golf course and gave him Meg’s phone number. WQM called her and they connected. He was four years younger, but looked older. She later learned he was the ex-husband of Meg’s ex’s present steady lady. Because WQM had been bugging Meg’s ex and his lady, Meg believes they used her to get him off their backs. She says it worked for about three and a half months.

         She thinks, at her age, there’s “not much to choose from.” She’d “rather be alone than date just anybody.”

         She advises others to be careful and says she’s not sure she even wants to date again. “At my age, I don’t think I could take another rejection.”